My Big Fat Eating Disorder.

I didn't write this, but I like it.
"My Big Fat Eating Disorder."

I have an eating disorder. Not Bulimia or Anorexia but EDNOS. This means that i alternate between puking and starving. I also have rules. Bread has to be eaten in even numbers. Cake is evil. Carbohydrates are secretly plotting against me. Diet Coke is the elixir of youth and beauty.

My EDNOS is 19 years old. It started out as Anorexia when i was 15. Then i progressed to Bulimia, otherwise known to some as a failed anorexic. My weight fluctuates between slightly overweight, slightly underweight and somewhere inbetween. Which proves that my methods of losing weight aren't that efficent, but this is not about logic. This is not about doing the right things like eating less and exercising more. This is not about being sensible or healthy or a shining example of mental health. This is not about Jamie Oliver and his organic pig testicles. This is not about looking good on the beach and wanting to be a supermodel. This is not about wanting the cute guy in the coffee shop to beg for your telephone number. This is not about sliding a pair of skinny jeans over your hip-bones and laughing all the way to the check-out till.

This is not about wanting attention until complete strangers force feed you Black Forest Gateaux and siphon double cream into your skinny latte.It is not about deliberately pissing off the nurses by hiding your peas under your fork and stashing butter in the bed pans. It is not about starving for all the children in Africa. It is not about reading the magazines and pining for the Body Mass Index of Paris Hilton’s pet Chihuahua. This is not a conspiracy created by the Patriarchal system to oppress women.

This is about having the self-esteem of a gnat’s arse. This is the polite way of committing suicide. This is about having no life because it’s impossible to order a bowl of dry cereal in a restaurant and ask them to hold the raisins. This is about weighing pasta, cereal, raisins and anything that passes your lips, including toothpaste. This is about secrets and lies and shame. This is about not wanting to admit that you need to eat. That you deserve to live.

This is about being scared. This is about being terrified. Of everything.

This is about control. This is about sex. This is about putting relationships on hold until your thighs don’t meet in the middle and by then you have no libido anyway. This is about hiding under layers of clothing that are mostly black. This is about “Please don’t look at me and cover all the mirrors with black crepe.” This is about avoiding the camera, even at your sister’s wedding. This is about intense self hatred.

This is about needing so much that you can’t stand it. This is about having emotions that bubble up and spill out all over the carpet and stink up the whole house. This is about having too many choices and too much pressure and isn’t it easier just to keep it simple and obsess about the amount of calories in a small cantaloupe? Instead of making big scary choices that might crush you to a pulp?

This is about wanting to be safe. This is about wanting to curl up in a nutshell like Thumbelina and ignore the big bad world that’s too noisy and dangerous and can’t be trusted. This is about not trusting anyone and relying on food (or lack of) to give you an all enveloping comfort blanket when the medication bloats you up like a corpse in a river.

This is about really crappy coping methods. This is about making a choice that will quite possibly kill you. This is about failed relationships, waiting lists, devastated families, waiting lists, becoming vegetarian, becoming vegan, becoming lactose intolerant, developing a wheat allergy and more waiting lists. This is about infertility, rotten teeth, and hollow bones. This is about cardiac arrest in a shopping centre. This is about being sick. This is about not being sick enough. This is about finally being sick enough for a bed in a unit until you drop down dead and you get a mention in the local paper for being such a model student.

This is not about food.

Anorexia - Girl.

I'm not sure of the actual name of this documentary, I think it's called "Anorexia - Girl", but I could be wrong.
Anyway, it's a British documentary about a girl called Katie who suffers from anorexia nervosa. It particularly focuses on her relationship with her mother as her family and a team of physciatrists try and put a less than enthusiatic Katie through a recovery programme.
In the beginning Katie pissed me off, but as she gets more talkative the documentary improves.

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etb6zNsCUYI
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7rHgvMAIw6c
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbC5E5PvIwE
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EV1qLZ0FLY

Not the best ED related documentary out there, but I'd say worth a watch.

Happy Watching :)

Dying To Be Anorexic.

A British documentary about 2 girls, Lavinia and Katie, who have both suffered from mental illnesses and are immersing themselves in the pro-anorexia in an effort to lose weight.
Unfortunately it wont embed and

1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QutWE572KKE
2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvJxxnoSFLM
3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGPC209kgwQ
4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMW2tUgsdVM
5. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DApycBpjMTc
6. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8PJ_YF6RHI
7. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvclZXGKrcc
8. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuTpV-HcLiU
9. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfNLK8jArCg
10. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNREmtl5Ge4
11. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8G4jeDpzggk
12. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmtOcwBBKjI

It's a good documentary, but sad in parts.

Happy Watching :)

Back from my holidays.

It was very beautiful, lots of walking and swimming and diving which made me feel better about the disgusting amount of food eaten. I binged once and naturally threw up without purging. It was rather virulent (sp).

I have a weightloss goal for this week of 2lbs. Not much I know, but it will take me to a weight I haven't been for say... 2 months? I've basically maintained, occasionally slipping down then back up.
I believe the motivation of the scale going down will motivate me to lose more and go further.

Resources For You :)
http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/ - BMI Calculator.
http://www.everydiet.org/ - Reviewing a very wide variety of diets, plans and lifestyles.
http://www.something-fishy.org/ - A pro-recovery website about eating disorders with lots of information.
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-does-200-calories-look-like.htm - A look at just how much you can eat for 200 calories.

Happy Reading :)

Feeling awfully depressed,

so, my apologies if I don't post as much.
I partly blame it on PMS, I'm usually worse around the time of my period. Hmm, life was so much easier without it. I'm considering going on the pill, but here the weight gain is hell :/

Purged today after a large dinner. It was very quick, I got it out soon after I'd eaten it so I barely had time to digest any. I had a sugar-free, calorie-free ice pop after to soothe my throat and it seemed to work, it didn't burn as much as usual.

I'm holiday-ing on Friday for about a week, so I need to shift at least a little weight in a hurry, so, plan:

Breakfast + Lunch: Nothing but fruits and vegetables.
Dinner: Something low-fal and low-calorie.
Drinks: Water, herbal tea.
Snacks: Fruit/vegetables.

I'm not posting the Louise Redknapp documentary because the only videos I found were horrible quality, sorry.

Happy Reading :)

In April, this documentary was shown on ITV in the UK. Fearne uncovered the "truth" about the rise in pro-anorexia sites. I do not necessarily agree with all that's said here, but it's a good watch all the same.

Might post the Louise Redknapp documentary up later.
Stay stay lovelies, keep smiling.

Happy Watching :)

Video: Desperately Hungry Housewives.

This documentary, aired on BBC3 several weeks ago, shows that it's not just teenage girls who suffer from eating disorders. With no mention of the media until very near the end, it shows how EDs are illnesses, not extreme diets.
Youtube is being a whore, so at the moment I can only post the links. I will embed the videos when I get a chance.







It's a fascinating, excellent watch. Please, please watch.

Happy Watching :)

Teas for weight loss?

I feel drinking tea is an easy way to help speed up weight loss somewhat.
Obviously you'd have to combine it with other dietary changes and some exercise, but it's a fairly effortless way to help you shift some extra pounds or at least decreasing bloat.

Green tea.
Famous for it's anti-oxidant levels and ability to increase metabolism.
Fennel.
Used for it's appetite reducing properties.
Senna.
Frequently used for it's natural laxative effects, which can reduce bloating and water retention.
Peppermint.
Favoured by the likes of Madonna and Gwyneth for it's anti-bloat properties.

Obviously any weight loss related product can be abused, so try not to rely on teas, pills etc.

Happy Drinking :)

Resources.

A couple of resources for weight management and food management.
NutritionData. - A fabulous site containing BMI & BMR calculators, nutrional facts and how to get as many various minerals as possible.
Livestrong. - TheDailyPlate's new home with tonnes of health, diet and fitness advice. With a nutrition tracker and challenges and goals you can set yourself.
Calorie Maintainance Calculator. - Enter a few details and find out how much weight you could lose each week.

Happy Reading Lovelies :)

I'm so tired now.

Drinking a 38 calorie hot chocolate and watching a crime thriller on TV. Shock reduces your appetite.
Oh, I'm a sad, obsessed person.

Happy Reading :)

Eating disorders.

I know that there may be young girls visiting this blog in search of and eating disorder.
In search of tips and advice on how to be thin, beautiful and ultimately anorexic.
Minds can be warped into thinking that to be successful you have to be Size 0. To have guys chasing after you you must be thin.
This is not the case.
Eating disorders, whether it's anorexia, bulimia or COE are both mentally and physically exhausting. You're always tired, energy goes out the window, you can't focus at all.
You get ugly. Let's face it, models are airbrushed or heavily makeup-ed. The truth is the hair on your head falls out, you get downy hair everywhere you don't want it, you become incredibly pale, you get stretch marks from your weight going up and down, you get bags under your eyes and you look ill.
You're always unhappy, insecure and thinking about food, calories, exercise, fat etc.
Your confidence goes out the window, your self-esteem hits the floor and you begin a deep hatred with yourself.
Mental illnesses associated with eating disorders.

• Depression.
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
• Body Dysmorphia Disorder.
• Social Anxiety Disorder.
• Various phobias.
• Perfectionism.
• Physcosis.

Physical illnesses associated with eating disorders.

• Amenorrhoea. (loss of periods which can lead to infertility)
• Various deficiencies. (of zinc, iron, calcium, various vitamins, glucose)
• Low electrolyte levels.
• Water intoxication. (which occurs especially during water fasting, can result in immeadiate death)
• Slowed heart rate.
• Hypothermia.
• Frequent fainting.
• Low blood pressure.
• Damaged esophagus. (related to Bulimia Nervosa. Can lead to esophagus cancer)
• Dehydration.
• Constipation.
• Lanugo. (Thin, downy hair all over body)
• Intense tiredness.
• Insomnia.
• Thinning of hair. (On head)
• Infertility.
• Osteoporosis. (Brittle bone syndrome which can cause broken bones)

The ones I've italiced are the ones I've personally suffered.

My friends frequently comment on my eating, size and constant thinness, but I don't care, because I need to be thin and in control no matter what.

So go on, let dieting control you, say goodbye to the life you live now, but it's the biggest mistake you could make. I regret the time I ever went on a little diet, because now I live in a virtual hell.

Happy Reading, Stay safe<3

Yesterday I bought the Grazia...

and a Wispa (wehey for stress-eating, may I say the guilt is so not worth it) and got perved on by an old disgusting pervy man.
I did nothing to deserve this may I say and was rather pissed off, but anyway this story is beside the point.
Shortly after I met up with a girlfriend and got fabulously drunk and ate a fabulous amount. I have continued eating today, but, have also read the Grazia.
They have a new diet that promises a flatter stomach in 14 days and I must say it seems good. It involves drinking more water, eating slower, eating less, eating earlier etc and for a healthy diet it seems to be fairly sensible, especially for a diet from a fashion mag.
Click here to by the latest Grazia.

Happy Reading :)

Quick plan.

I want to lose 3lbs a week for 3 weeks.
I need to.
I will not be week, I will be in control.
I will become a little closer to perfect.
I need this.

Wishing you strength and safety,
Happy Reading.

Model diets?

Tonight I discovered a website called Model Diet Plan apparently exposing the diet and exercise secrets of various models and celebrities.
A good concept, but a little misleading, many of the models we see today are those stick-thin models that parade the catwalk in Versace and Chanel, not those with hourglass figures and curves.
However, some of the advice is good, so I probably would check it out :)

Happy Reading.

Tomorrow,

I'd like to fruit/veg fast.
I don't know if I will, but I'll probably be able to until dinnertime, then I'll just have a various vegeterian protein.
I'll do the same the next day methinks.
I want to have fewer than 1,000 calories.

I'm fairly determined, but I don't know...

Happy Reading.

Looking to the future.

I'm so looking forward to the future.
I know when I go away to 6th form if I get my place in boarding school and go away to University I will be able to control what I eat much better, especially since noone can see what I'm eating and what I'm doing to myself.
Honestly, I do not want to be like this forever, I do want kids and a husband and a life, but it's like I have two futures: one with an eating disorder surrounding by being thin and incontrol, and another with a dream life, beautiful children, happy marriage and dream job - I know I can't have both and I know it must be difficult to have one (my controlled life) and then the other (my perfect life) because the controlled life pulls you in and I want control forever too.
Wow. This is so messed up.

Anyway, a girl on an LJ support community I use directed me to a TV programme that was on on BBC1 this week called Desperately Hungry Housewives. Click here to watch it, it's actually really good, nothing about the media, nothing about teenage girls who just want to be thin, it's very real, I really would recommend it.

I would reveal what I've eaten today, but it's disgusting and I feel ashamed. What I was happy about was eating less than my slim friend at lunch, however I'm sure I ate more than she did at dinner.

Happy Reading beauties.

Skinny Kids.

This documentary examines the effect of idealised beauty and size has on young people today.







Happy Watching :)

Superskinny Me.

When two journalists embarked on a radical plan to help them achieve Size 00 (UK size 2) they had no idea how much it would affect their lives. Whilst Louise's body changes dramatically Kate has to cope with the mental/emotional aspects of extreme dieting.






Happy Watching girls :)

Dawn Porter - Superslim Me.

Dawn Porter is a journalist from London. Just over a year ago she engaged in an experiment to discover how difficult it is to achieve desirable Size 0.







Happy Watching :)

Thinspiration.

This girl is so gorgeous.
I'm envious, she must work so hard to stay thin, she's so flawless.

Happy Reading,
Stay strong, but most of all safe.